The Fourth Nose

Former RBS chief exec Fred Goodwin stripped of his Knighthood and beheaded

Disgraced former boss of the Royal Bank of Scotland was today escorted to Buckingham Palace, where he had his Knighthood ‘cancelled and annulled’ and then his head viciously lopped off by the Queen.

Awarded the honour in 2004 for his ‘services to banking’, Mr Goodwin and his head were thrown down into the filthy gutter of disrepute today due to his ‘services to greed, causing a massive recession and creating a nation of unemployed depressives’. The operation of RBS under his rule ending up costing the government £45 billion of taxpayer’s money in 2008, when shit hit the fan.

The Queen has the sole authority to rescind a Knighthood, but she was supported by David Cameron in this matter who agreed that the choice to decapitate Mr Goodwin was ‘the right decision’. Old Liz was reportedly delighted to serve her country in this manner since it has been a multitude of years since the last de-knighting. She has reportedly been sharpening her sword sadistically for the last week, sat with a whetstone and a maniacal grin at her bureau.

Slaughtered pigs are currently lying in a bloody mess all over Buckingham Palace, a result of the erstwhile monarch’s desire for thorough practice prior to Mr Goodwin’s decapitation. Inside sources from the Palace have said that before each slaughter The Queen would scream terrifyingly, bringing her blade down on the neck of each pig and then laughing hysterically as the Diana masks attached to the swine’s faces fell to the ground.

Robert Downy, a senior servant in the household told us this morning, “I think she’s lost it you know, during her last ‘rehearsal’ we had to get 12 pigs facing her in a circle so she could spin round like Neo with a sword, then we had to hang them up by their tails and let the blood drain out of their bodies whilst she writhed around in it on the floor…”

The beheading of Mr Goodwin was filmed by the BBC today, for showing after the Queen’s 2012 Christmas day speech. The footage is to be used as a threat to any other bankers who have so far continued to take the collective piss out of the UK taxpayers. Of course, it has been leaked on YouTube already and in the film the Queen is to be seen yelling “DIEEEE mother fuckerrrr!”, before finally bringing justice to the financial sector.

Posted by Barry

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