Team GB have exceeded all expectations in the Olympic Games thus far, and the British public are deservedly celebrating after pushing our top sportsmen and women to victory with their cheering and clapping.
Team GB are currently sitting 3rd in the medals table, a fantastic achievement for so small a country, and the reason is mainly that the British public have got behind our athletes, forcing them to ‘dig deep’ and create a bit of history.
Despite having nothing whatsoever to do with the training of the athletes whom they have never even met, little interest in sport generally, and in some cases only learning the names of our medal contenders in the last few days, the British public have gone mental over people who they happen to exist on an island with.
This behaviour has sparked controversy over whether or not the British public can fairly claim they are ‘Proud to be British’, when all most have done is cheer at their television sets from the sofa, as a person who was also born within their geographically designated region gets across the line first.
Jessica Ennis commented after her victory in the Heptathlon earlier, “Who are all these people cheering me? I don’t even know them. They don’t deserve to celebrate, I did all the work, not them. Just because they’re British doesn’t mean we have anything in common.” A distasteful reaction from the gold medalist, but highlighting the arrogance of athletes generally.
The BBC have provided excellent commentary of the Games so far, though an analysis of how much funding Team GB have had compared to their medal haul would certainly be interesting, since the taxpayer funds Sport England very heavily, with the gain only seeming to go to these top-flight athletes.
The motto of London 2012 has been ‘inspire a generation’ - a generation of young sportspeople, most whom will never get anywhere near competing in the Olympics, and even those who do will retire around 35 and have no career to turn to, apart from the very few really successful ones who may be able to become sports pundits, repeating the same commentary over and over in slightly different ways whilst labeling every-god-damn-race as a ‘first in British sporting history’.
The predictable elation of the nationalistic Brits will continue however; despite the cynics, Team GB mania has taken hold of the weak minded majority of the population.
Posted by Barry
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Cheerful morons consider sarcasm to be ‘the lowest form of wit’, it has emerged.
Happy people generally look down on dry, sardonic humour that they can’t understand and don’t appreciate miserable bastards bringing their cynicism to bear on everyday events, never mind deserved celebrations such as graduations and birthdays, it has been discovered.
A study run by the Institute of Caustic Remarks found that people who have any reason to smile in life will usually respond negatively towards a sarcastic comment, often by whipping out the quote ‘sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’, commonly attributed to Oscar Wilde, whilst not realising that repeating a well known phrase is itself undeserving of much praise. Some subjects even added ‘and the highest form of intelligence’ to their reiteration, in an annoyingly trite tone, but when questioned further were unable to explain what this paradox actually meant.
President of the Institute and lead sarcasm researcher Peter Winstanley commented,“This evidence is incontrovertible proof of absolutely fuck all and I don’t understand why we ever commissioned the investigation in the first place. Now if you’d excuse me, I need to go to the toilet.” His derisive tone left some reporters confused at why someone would dedicate so much time to research they weren’t interested in, whilst more incisive onlookers smirked to themselves in appreciation of the ironic tone their colleagues had failed to pick up on. And then blogged about it, including a picture which was purposefully chosen to represent a joke about sarcasm but which wasn’t actually funny, to fuck with the heads of the reader who no doubt smiled at it on first glance.
In what has become an increasingly meta article designed to be sarcastic about sarcasm, the author has lost himself in the layers of satire and can only hope that the reader has failed to grasp all the levels of wit in which this post is mired.
Hint: there are four.
Zeus, the ‘Father of Gods and Men’ has strapped on a pair of Adidas training shoes and filmed an advert of himself training on the Falkland islands, it has emerged.
The controversial commercial, which was played on Argentinian TV with the tag line ‘To compete on British soil, we train on Argentinian soil’ has been labelled provocative and antagonistic.
The 90 second clip depicts Zeus, an Olympian, jogging around the Falkland’s capital Port Stanley with a large lightning bolt and followed by his Harem of mythological lovers including Hera, Demeter, Maia, Persephone and Eurymedousa (amongst others) as he trains.
Comment upon the clip has arisen from Foreign Secretary William Hague, he branded the advert a ‘stunt’ and has demanded an explanation from the God of Sky and Thunder, requesting “a sincere apology for parading his olympian musculature in front of a British war memorial, it is insulting and crass to say the least”. Lord Seb Coe is reported to be concerned about the Argentinian recruitment of the rulers of Olympus; the prospect of Zeus’ offspring appearing as Herculean demi-gods at the 2012 Games is likely to affect Team GB’s chances of bringing home the gold this year.
Zeus meanwhile has been ambivalent to the whole affair, preferring to do battle with Cronus and the Titans, imprisoning them in Tartarus the shadowy underworld, rather than being involved the petty affairs surrounding the ownership of a chain of small islands that no one really cares about for any other reason than retaining their sense of pride.
Posted by Barry
Rupert Murdoch is not an attractive man, it has been established by the cross-party House of Commons committee.
The report, issued today by the Culture Committee, was much more scathing than had been anticipated; saying Mr Murdoch ‘is not a fit person’, in an unprecedented attack on bald, wrinkly media moguls. Ugly he may be, but the morality of making this statement public at a press conference is being questioned.
It was also outlined by the Chairman of the Committee, John Whittingdale, that Mr Murdoch ‘turned a blind eye and exhibited wilful blindness’ in what is clearly a government initiative to discriminate against short sighted individuals.
It was already widely thought that Mr Murdoch might not be an attractive man, but the MP’s report has now delivered us comprehensive proof of this. Pincushion model Kate Moss said, “No I have never found Rupert Murdoch attractive” although her pupils were admittedly very small when she was shown a picture of the media titan to comment upon, and she soon drifted off into euphoria…
The hacking scandal at the News of The World has brought disrepute to a man that was previously held to be the font of kindness and wisdom, a fighter against exploitation and a bringer of unbiased news reporting.
Meanwhile the Leveson Enquiry continues into Press standards and we await worldwide reaction to this unashamed mauling of Rupert Murdoch’s disgusting facial features.
Posted by Barry
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“The ubiquity of TV talent shows is commercialisation at its most repulsive” Barry Green stated today.
The incessant stream of TV talent shows that began over 10 years ago with ‘Popstars’ and is currently being championed by the BBC’s ‘The Voice UK’ dominates the influx of new music into the public domain and is strangling real artists by repackaging any originality into what is deemed a more acceptable and money making format.
Young musicians wanting to get in the spotlight are understandably channeled into entering these shows; the ‘celebrities’ and record companies involved have the finance and influence to get these singers a little limelight, though the fickle audience soon forgets last year’s winner in their hunger for more contest. The winners might make a quick buck but are unlikely to acquire a sustainable career and are in danger of being viewed as sell outs, churning out plastic tunes for the masses in their blind sprint towards success, not perceiving what they lose on the way.
The very process of audition and judgement inevitably disappoints the many that fail, but worse than this, it forces artists to mould any originality they had into industry prescribed norms. We see too many covers of the same old songs, this is lazy artistry. Where are the 12 minute long ballads, where are the concept albums? Where are the bands and artists with true talent and real personality? They are not financially viable, and thus we do not hear of them.
Admittedly we are no longer in the 70’s, but it seems that all the modern music ‘fan’ requires is a catchy chorus (no doubt written for and not by the artist). The chorus will be sung twice in the song, recorded with a hired band in a cushy studio and it might be supplemented with a slower, atmospheric section before the climax which is invariably the same chorus again but in a higher key and with slightly more emotive vocals. Hey presto you’ve got a number one hit!
We are also unashamedly exposed to the cringe worthy sob stories of the contestants, in a transparent attempt to involve us in ‘the journey’, which is really just filling programme time and keeping you watching at home as you are pulled into it all.
The music industry is far too formulaic, hardly anyone has heard the real artists that are out there sticking to their roots, and the problem is compounded by the celebrity endorsements of these talent shows - Sir Tom Jones has let himself down in becoming a coach for The Voice; one would have thought the elderly gent would have known better than those young whippersnappers that are themselves a product of the hypocritical system that promotes individuality whilst at the same time slapping a label and a bar code on it.
How to rise above it all? Don’t watch, don’t subscribe. Don’t talk about ‘who your favourite is’ on Monday morning. Best of all, take a load of heroin in a dingy city flat, with The Doors playing in the background, and come up with some inspirational lyrics and a long, undulating soundtrack that will really make a difference. Please do this, and end the frustration of the author.
Posted by Barry
Crowds of very small scousers have this weekend been flocking to jeer at a little girl and her dog, who is wandering lost around the city, trying to find her dad.
An estimated 250,000 people have come out onto the streets in Liverpool over the last 2 days, to bully a young French imigrant as she desperately searches for her father. The horde of angry parents and children have been chasing the girl down the streets, flashing her intimidatingly with their cameras and banging their hands together threateningly; this violent behaviour and aggressive treatment of foreigners only reinforces the public belief that the city is a stronghold for the BNP.
There is a strong feeling reverberating around scouseland that these foreigners shouldn’t be “coming over here, stealing the jobs from our resident 30ft wooden marionettes.”
Lord Mayor Frank Prendergast commented earlier: “This Little Girl is not welcome here. I don’t care how big she is, she’s clearly wearing green which is not one of the prescribed colours of the city, and she doesn’t use the words ‘laaa’, ‘alright mate’ or ‘I fuckin hate Man U’ nearly enough to fit in. We’re going to string her up on the docks then dump her wooden corpse in the Mersey.”
A strong reaction there from the Mayor, you can find more of his controversial comments here, whilst we leave the reader to decide for themselves whether or not it is justified for giant French puppets to be imported when this country is in the economic doldrums.
Posted by Barry
A British man has ‘woke up gay’ after suffering from a stroke which was directly related to breaking his neck in a rolling accident.
Chris Birch, 26 and from Wales of all places has now been a gay since the age of 19 when he was trying to impress his heterosexual rugby playing friends by doing a flip which resulted in him rolling out of control down a hill and breaking his neck. The neck injury he sustained resulted in him having a stroke and as soon as he woke up from his ordeal, he knew he was a different person - but just couldn’t figure out how.
A NHS nurse who treated Mr Birch spoke to The Fourth Nose earlier today, “When he woke up from his operation he had a real craving for sausage. It was pretty much all he could talk about. We didn’t think much of it at first, as most patients will be pretty desperate for food once they get their appetites back, but alarm bells started to ring when we found him sucking off a man in the gents toilets on intensive care. Even more so considering the fella was in a wheelchair and was clearly not enjoying it.”
A close friend also noticed sudden changes in Chris’ behaviour after he returned home from hospital, “My suspicions were raised straight away. He seemed to be neglecting his pussy, and his fiancee, both of whom he cared for dearly pre-stroke. He would spend most of his day pruning the flowers in his garden, bellowing hits from Greece and I noticed he had bleached his hair. I could also tell that he had been waxing his arse but that was only because he was wearing bottomless chaps to walk his newly handbag-bound dog to the shops. His new appearance screamed ‘woofter’.”
Chris Birch now lives with his 19 year old boyfriend and works as a hairdresser, barely recognisable from his old 19 stone rugby playing self. Most of his changes are superficial to keep in accordance with his new identity, but the weight loss has had a real effect on his life.
“Most people congratulate me on my new appearance and say I look much better as the new me. I thank them for their kind words and I guess my life is better now but I feel guilty accepting praise for the weight loss, considering its AIDS related, but not many people know that…”
Chris is not the first individual to wake up a different person after recovering from a stroke, two years ago Alan Brown recovered from his stroke having attained impressive painting and drawing skills after never before showing any talent. This recent case, however, is having a much more shocking effect, with men everywhere now terrified they will wake up batting for the wrong team.
Average-in-every-department Ben, a bloke’s bloke from Hull blogged earlier “I have always known that strokes where bad, I mean me nan had one a few years ago and she can’t walk or talk, but thank god she didn’t wake up a lesbian. This news has got me praying that I never have a stroke, but if I do I’d rather lose the use of my arm and leg than see out the rest of my days packing fudge and having cock in and around my mouth. The thought alone makes me sick. I am paying full attention to stroke adverts from now on. I’m no longer drinking coffee and I’m going to shed that extra weight I’ve always promised I would. Rolling down hills can fuck right off and all.”
If you, like us, are sitting there completely shitting yourself that you could, this easily turn gay then please seek advice from here.
Posted by Lewis.
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The death of a mighty champion marred an otherwise spectacular Grand National today as the favourite, Synchronised, had to be put down after falling at a fence, as well as another horse, According to Pete.
The race was won in a dramatic photo finish by Neptune Collonges, who was apparently ‘not aware’ that his fellow competitors were being lined up for the slaughter as he charged across the line. The winning horse has been accused of prancing around arrogantly, lauding his victory over his equine colleagues and not being respectful enough about the tragic loss of Synchronised and According to Pete.
Synchronsied spoke at a posthumous press conference late this evening, “It’s a bit of a bloody disappointment if I’m honest. I’d trained years for that race, and as soon as I’d fallen at Becher’s Brook they jumped on me with their syringes full of God knows what, massive doses of ketamine and crack probably. I’d only sprained my fucking ankle, it’s as if vets are in the mindset of just putting any injured animal down or something…”
The deceased equine then went down to a Liverpool pub to celebrate the result of the football derby, or drown his sorrows, depending upon his arbitrary colour preference. After a long chat with the barman about his having a long face due to his premature exit from this cruel, cruel world and the sickening attitudes maintained by some members of the Horse Racing industry, he ordered a pint of John Smiths in an ironic manner as that’s who sponsors this sort of animal cruelty.
Neptune Collonges meanwhile refused to comment on his actions, chomping through a bag of hay as if he didn’t even care about the emotive politics that are currently running high in the world of posh horsey people after today’s sad losses.
“The Grand National itself may be under threat, as more and more people become disillusioned with the dangers faced by the horses and riders, but Neptune Collonges continues to just stand there arrogantly, licking a sugar lump as if he’s the mane man and snorting derisively whenever a reporter asks his opinion” a flustered Clare Balding said today before she trotted off to muck out the stables.
Posted by Barry
There has been worldwide condemnation of North Korea today, as their attempt to launch a missile was deemed an act of aggression. Fortunately the rocket blew up soon after it was launched, and the international community has been sniggering at the communist state’s poor grasp of surface-to-air self propelled ballistic technology.
A White House spokesman said today, “Well, that was embarrassing. We were concerned about violation of international law and the threat North Korea poses to the stability of the region, what with this missile planned to orbit all the way over Australia before releasing it’s satellite. We were actually considering the fact that they may be launching a nuclear warhead, but clearly that’s not the case. They haven’t even the most basic understanding of the laws of Physics that Newton lay down hundreds of years ago, never mind the academic knowledge and engineering infrastructure necessary to produce effective missile systems. Amateurs. They can’t fire missiles for shit. You wanna see some of the stuff we’ve got in Area 51, I don’t believe I’m exaggerating when I use the term ‘fucking mental gear’. Obviously, I can’t tell you anymore than that. But we could fuck you up.”
The missile exploded soon after launch and bits of the shitty disposable camera put in the satellite for ‘surveillance’ purposes hit Kim Jong-Un on the head, interrupting his lunch time worship session and leaving thousands of prostrate Korean’s not too sure of the divinity of their Supreme-Leader-who-knows-everything-his-dad-knew.
UN Chief Ban Ki-Moon also spoke out against the launch, saying “This act is deplorable, it defies the firm and unanimous stance of the international community. More than that, they’ve not only let us down, they’ve let themselves down. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. I hope North Korea goes up to it’s bedroom for a good long time and has a proper think about how poor it’s missile systems are, and then comes back and apologises sincerely. And if it doesn’t we won’t be letting it go to that sleepover on Saturday with China and Zimbabwe.”
Kim Jong-un is reported to be very upset by his latest failure, he has taken to wearing skinny jeans and a My Chemical Romance T-shirt, cutting himself whilst weeping over a picture of his late father.
Posted by Barry
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The Israeli government have announced the execution of a mysterious freedom fighter, which will take place tomorrow evening, to much public outcry.
The man, whose identity is being kept secret for security reasons and can only be referred to as ‘J’, is thought to have been involved in the dissemination of dangerous anti-establishment information and the orchestration of an underground group of highly trained religious extremists.
Ehud Barak, Israel’s defence minister, spoke today from Tel Aviv:
“We have been tracking this individual for some time now and it became obvious, via an inside source, that he was planning action against the state, and the people of Israel. We were forced to intervene. The group’s influence over others had been spreading, they were meeting with naive members of the public, convincing them to give up their worldly possessions and join the movement, in return for safety. This was clearly some sort of scam. There are reports of this ‘revolutionary’ trying to drown people in rivers and speaking to the sky, as well as wandering off into the desert for weeks at a time doing God knows what…he is clearly deranged and needs to be dealt with decisively.”
Although J has now been captured it is suspected that his followers will continue to work without him, and that the Israeli government may soon have a large rebellion on their hands. The leader’s shadowy right hand man ‘P’ is now thought to be in charge, it remains to be seen if the new boss will remain true to the group’s values under duress tomorrow, or deny any involvement. Israeli officials are trying to track him down presently.
Israel is thought be to be acting under pressure from certain countries in the EU, Italian peace-keeping forces will be present to oversee the execution tomorrow, ensuring it is carried out in a brutal, almost biblical manner. J is to be lashed down the streets carrying a heavy wooden post before being put to death on top of a hill. A popular acronym is to be nailed a top the post before the sentence is carried out, LOL and PMSL are thought to be in contention for the position.
In other news, an Israeli spy has been found dead today, it is thought the pressures of his job may have forced him to take his own life.
Posted by Barry
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